By Karl Stennienibarra

Blogger Andrew Azzopardi has died after wrestling with a 30-metre long great white shark in South Africa, Bis-Serjetà has learned from the Internet, which contains only facts.

The professional copy-paster was swimming on a beach in Cape Town when he encountered the massive beast. Realising that he would actually have something original to write about for once, Dr Azzopardi confronted the shark head on.

Remembering advice he learned from a blog post called ‘How I once beat the shit out of a great white,” Dr Azzopardi punched the ferocious fish in the nose. However, rather than becoming disoriented, the shark tore the blogger’s head off.

Despite desperate attempts to revive him by actor Raoul Bova, who happened to be passing by on his jet ski, Dr Azzopardi died of his wounds.

His blog will now be taken over by the Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V shortcuts on his keyboard.

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By Karl Stennienibarra in celebrity gossip mode - 

Prime Minister Joseph Muscat and Leader of the Opposition Simon Busuttil have been spotted having a romantic dinner at a posh restaurant in St Julian’s.

The pair were seen dining yesterday evening after the Prime Minister paid a visit to Busuttil at the Nationalist Party headquarters earlier in the day.

During the meeting, the two men seemed to hit it off with each other. They exchanged jokes and promised that their two parties would kiss and make up.

They also agreed to meet each other every two months, but it seems they will be meeting more regularly than that.

While it is not clear who asked whom out for dinner, the feelings of affection appeared to be mutual.

“They were really enjoying themselves. Simon was constantly giggling at Joseph’s ‘taghna lkoll’ jokes,” one fellow diner said.

The onlooker added that for the main course the Prime Minister had the Grigliata di Mare, followed by a banoffi pie.

“Simon was going to order the kids’ meal due to the PN’s tight budget, but Joseph insisted that he should pick up the bill,” she said.

After the meal, Muscat and Busuttil were seen walking out hand in hand, only for Daphne Caruana Galizia to forcefully separate them while yelling, “GET AWAY RED! SHOO! SIMON IS TOO NICE AND WHOLESOME FOR YOU!”

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By Karl Stenniebarra

Jeremy, the protagonist of Gianluca Bezzina’s Eurovision song ‘Tomorrow’, has been arrested after a woman reported him for stalking her for the past three months.

Gianluca Bezzina, not to be confused with Jeremy the stalker.

While many assumed that Jeremy was a fictional character, he is in actual fact a real 26-year old software tester from Zebbug.

‘Tomorrow’ tells the story of how “sensitive and shy” Jeremy Falzon was tempted out of his quiet ways by a bubbly and spontaneous unnamed woman.

However, the woman in question tells a completely different version of events.

“I never talked to him once, so I didn’t ‘walk into his life.’ We just caught the same bus to and from work.

“Initially he just used to smile at me. At first I thought nothing of it but things gradually got worse.

The woman described how Jeremy began to follow her home every day.

“Whenever I looked back at him he would get down on all fours and bark like a dog, thinking he had fooled me.

“He even found me on Facebook. He didn’t have a single friend on there so I accepted his request. I immediately regretted it though because he started to like all my photos and statuses.”

She said things began to get worrying when her underwear started to go missing from the washing line.

“The song mentions how Jeremy likes his rigorous routine, which is a reference to his habit of masturbating outside my bedroom window every evening.

“I didn’t throw affection his direction. I threw a shoe.”

Eventually, the woman reported him to the police. Upon searching Jeremy’s bedroom they found a shrine with several photographs of the woman, as well as the words ‘TIME TO FOLLOW HER TOMORROW’ scrawled all over the walls.

Meanwhile, Gianluca Bezzina himself believes his protagonist is completely innocent.

“Good old Jeremy would never do a thing like that, cor blimey. These accusations are a load of Brad Pitt. Apples and pears!” the singer said in a Cockney accent.

Time to follow Bis-Serjetà on Facebook tomorrow, or preferably today.

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By Karl Stennienibarra

A drunk man confirmed last night that the drunken kebab he was eating was the best he had ever tasted, surpassing even the mind-blowing kebab he had while drunk the previous weekend.

26 year old Matthew Grech from Mosta had just spent the night drinking with friends at several bars and clubs in Paceville. While on the way to “get a taxi from Wembley Garage”, a plausible story given that no one drives while drunk in Malta, he realised that he really wanted a kebab, despite not being particularly hungry, and it being 2.30am.

After overcoming any lingering doubts he may have had about his desire to have a kebab, Mr Grech entered the Millenium kebab shop and got in line.

While waiting behind a tall, intimidating Russian and his girlfriend, Mr Grech began to contemplate the important decisions he would soon have to make.

“Would I have it in a wrap or in pita bread? And would I have chicken or lamb? I’m surprised no one has ever written a treatise to prove which is the best.”

With a Turkish football league game on one TV screen and pop music videos from the same country on the screen opposite, distractions were everywhere, but Mr Grech did not lose focus.

Just as he had decided on a chicken wrap, the young man found himself at the front of the queue, staring blankly at the questioning face of his designated kebab maker.

“I was worried he’d realise I was drunk and start making fun of me, but he smiled knowingly and asked me what I wanted.”

Eight years ago, when he had his first kebab from Divan near Junior College, this seemingly simple question would have made the teenage Mr Grech quite anxious. However, now a seasoned veteran, the choice was easy.

After the formality of the “you want sauce?” question, Mr Grech received the weighty cylinder and stepped out into the night.

As he tore away the wax paper and took the first bite, he realised he was about to eat something quite special.

“The chicken, couscous and coleslaw seemed to blend together perfectly. It felt like greasy velvet in my mouth, pure alchemy. I found myself exclaiming ‘Sweet salsa-dancing Jesus this is amazing.’”

“I soon realised that I was eating the best kebab I had had since last week, which was itself mind-blowing.”

A friend who saw Mr Grech just after he had finished said, “he looked like he had just had a threesome.”

Meanwhile, Mr Grech described the skill involved in eating a  kebab.

“The last part is always the most challenging. Not just in terms of managing to finish it without dropping any of the contents and getting oil everywhere, but on a mental level you start wondering whether you’ll ever have a kebab as good as this, next week.”

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By Karl Stennienibarra

A man who admitted to raping a woman while dressed in a clown costume will not face a jail sentence, after it was established that he only raped her jokingly.

It’s not rape if it’s mischievous

Vincent Mangion, aka Rapey the Rape Clown, admitted that he subjected a 23 year old woman to violent sexual assault in Paceville on the night of April 30.

However, the court was informed that at the time that the rape took place, Mr Mangion was dressed in a clown costume, complete with wig and make up.

Witnesses described to the court how they saw Mr Mangion fleeing the scene on a unicycle, leaving the woman lying on the pavement with ripped clothes and severe bruising.

The counsel for the defence said that the accused only raped the woman “for a laugh.”

“My client has scarred this woman both physically and psychologically, but you’ve got to admit that the idea of raping someone as a clown is really funny,” his lawyer said.

Given the comical nature of the crime, Magistrate Valerie Pirotta had no choice but to let Mr Mangion go free.

Upon hearing the verdict, the accused approached the magistrate and asked her to look at a big daisy he was wearing on his jacket. Predictably, the flower squirted water into her eye, and Mangion proceeded to rape her there and then, much to the amusement of his lawyer.

“This is a victory for all clowns who want to force women to have sex with them against their will,” he chuckled while exiting the court on a pogo stick.

In today’s other news, local satirical site Timesofmalta.com is now only free for stupid homophobic racists.

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By Karl Stennienibarra

Timesofmalta.com, Malta’s most popular satirical news website, is now charging intelligent people money to view its articles, in an attempt to keep them away from the site and retain its core readership of idiots, xenophobes, homophobes and illiterates.

Yesterday the website, which masquerades as a serious news source, put up a pay wall for people living outside Malta, who can now only read 10 free articles per month, but must then pay for more “premium” satire.

However, today they went a step further. Anyone attempting to access timesofmalta.com is met with a pop-up window asking visitors to complete an IQ test and a personality test.

If the results show that the visitor has an average IQ or higher coupled with a reasonable, well-adjusted personality, he or she is required to pay €100 to access the rest of the site.

“Our comment boards are a haven for stupid, narrow minded fascists and we want to keep it that way,” explained Allied Newspapers managing director Adrian Hillman.

“Therefore we want to limit the number of people who come to the site to leave cogent, balanced comments so the regular bloggers [what ToM commentators erroneously call themselves] don’t feel threatened.”

Timesofmalta.com’s mentally challenged commentators reacted positively to the news. The following were just two of the elated comments:

“Finaly we have got rid of the foriners readers. Now the imigrants, the gays and the liberalssss is next the Eu cant stop us. Grazzi Simon.”

“Hopefuly this means that gay adoption never becomes a reality. God does now want the gays to raze children.”

Despite the pay wall, Mr Hillman does not foresee timesofmalta.com’s readership dropping too drastically.

“Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to pay for our well-researched, carefully-written, typo-free articles, not to mention thoughtful blogs by such incisive minds as Andrew Borg Cardona, Fr Joe Borg and Victor Calleja?”

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Karl Stennienibarra

Simon Busuttil, the newly-elected leader of the Nationalist Party, is planning to start holding political rallies in his living room, so he doesn’t have to strain his delicate voice.

The soft spoken former MEP was the clear victor in Saturday’s leadership race. After beating the baritone Mario de Marco by a considerable margin, he celebrated by saying, “Yes, I won. Hooray. I am really happy.”

Seeking to address concerns that he does not have the rousing personality needed to address thousands of flag-waving, air horn wielding Nationalist fanatics, Busuttil swiftly stated his plans for future rallies.

“When I was a boy a fairy turned my vocal chords into candy floss, so to prevent them from being torn apart, I will start holding mass meetings in my salott. If I try to yell in a place such as the Granaries, only the front row will hear me.”

“Obviously they won’t be called mass meetings any more, because my sofa can only seat four people, maybe five if they all squeeze together. Those plastic covers do make some funny noises when you slide on them.

“Oh but it’ll be wonderful. I can get my best bone china tea set out, and I’ll have an excuse to wear my apron and bake cupcakes.

While saying that anyone would be welcomed into his abode with two pecks on the cheek, continental style, Dr Busuttil warned potential visitors that there would be dire consequences if they didn’t wipe their feet and put the toilet seat back down.

“Peeing while standing up is such a Labourite thing to do,” he said.

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By Karl Stennienibarra

A humble Maltese potato has been appointed as vice chairman of the Valletta 2018 European Capital of Culture committee, in order to compliment the skills of Jason Micallef, who was appointed as chairman this morning.

The potato (bottom left) with its brothers and sisters

The potato was hand-picked from a field in Siggiewi. There had been no previous call for applications.

With his government already facing accusations of nepotism despite only being in power for just shy of two months, parliamentary secretary for culture Jose Herrera explained his decision, saying that the potato was apolitical by nature.

“The potato appeals to both parties. It is a simple vegetable with no great aspirations, making it the perfect partner for Jason Micallef.

Dr Herrera added that the potato had the same amount of knowledge of culture as Mr Micallef, if not more.

“Look, I really, really don’t give a shit about culture, so please stop asking me about it, alright?” he concluded.

Meanwhile, the potato left home this evening to start his new life in the big city, dressed in a little suit and carrying a miniscule briefcase.

“They grow up so fast. When you know that you’re never going to see your potatoes again, that hurts,” the farmer who cultivated him said with a tear in his eye.

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By Karl Stennienibarra

The Maltese countryside is set to become a battlefield this spring, as a loophole in EU law has been found that allows people to shoot and trap bird hunters, bringing joy to nature lovers all over the island who for years have wished to ally themselves militarily with defenceless birds.

The Hunter Hunters and Conservationists Federation said it had successfully applied to the EU for a special derogation that will allow its members to open fire on bird hunters who migrate from their homes to countryside.

HHCF president Mario Fenech welcomed the decision and defended the practice of hunter hunting.

“If killing birds is a hobby then killing people who kill birds is also a hobby,” he said while showing off his hat with a fake turtle dove on it.

“I can’t wait to sneak up on them from behind a bush and fill their faces full of lead pellets,” said hunter hunter Jason Grech, from Rabat.

With regards to trapping, it is thought that hunter hunters plan to use pastizzi as bait to lure bird hunters into their traps. In the case of fatter hunters, a Bhima burger from Porky’s is needed.

Reacting to the news, FKNK president Lino Farrugia replied, “bring it.”

Despite the loophole, there are still some limits on the practice. Hunter hunters may shoot no more than two bird hunters per day, and must send an SMS, a photo and a tweet with the hashtag #anotheronedown whenever they kill a hunter.

Additionally, hunter hunters will be prohibited from throwing hand grenades into bird hunters’ hides.

It was believed that the Gift of Life movement would protest against the derogation,but the group’s president said, ” if it isn’t a foetus we don’t care.”

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By Karl Stennienibarra

Going to the University of Malta is not really a big deal, Rector Juanito Camilleri said today, as a portion of UoM students go to the polls to vote in an election no one else cares about.

“It’s not really an achievement if you can get into and graduate from the University of Malta. Anyone village idiot or bimbo can do it these days,” the Rector told BS.

“Before I get a scary press release from SDM and Pulse, I’m not saying that all students are morons. And before people assume I’m talking about Communications and European Studies, let’s just say I’ve met graduates from Medicine who I wouldn’t trust with cutting my toenails, and lawyers who couldn’t tell a sub poena from a Subway sandwich.

The Rector went on to add that even lecturers at UoM should not feel particularly privileged.

“Ooh, you read a couple of books and made a Powerpoint presentation. Aren’t you clever?”

Camilleri, known as El Fantasma, admitted that while he is not often seen by students on campus, he regularly walks around the quad in disguise to observe the goings on at University.

“…although let me make it clear that the moustached Mariachi singer who goes around singing “Juanitooooo ai ai ai ai ai ai!” is definitely not me,” he insisted.

The Rector said that despite his best attempts, he struggles to figure out what students actually do during their time at University.

“The biggest event of the year seems to be some kind of musical. Fantastic, I appear to be in charge of a glorified high school.”

Camilleri added that even though he is Rector, he does not interfere with the students council, KSU, and as a result he does not fully understand how today’s KSU election works.

“From what I can gather, the winners are the ones who can communicate the best with cutesy little placards, play the loudest music, win at FIFA 13, put forward a few good-looking candidates and promise to install more plugs and water fountains or whatever.

“To be honest, if I were a student I think I’d be scared by all the smiley smiley over-friendliness going on at the moment. Join you? Be part of the project? No thanks.”

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