US President Barack Obama yesterday suffered what has been described as the most daring cyber attack in history, after being embarrassingly fraped by Chinese President Hu Jintao.

"Hu fraped me!" "We're still trying to find out Mr President."

Fraping refers to the act of hijacking someone’s Facebook profile after they forget to log out.

The incident occured at a UN summit in New York, where leaders had gathered to discuss what to do about the ongoing massacre in Syria.

As Russia suggested taking a break to order pizza, Obama headed to the bathroom, but left his iPhone behind.

Footage from security cameras shows Hu looking at Obama’s phone. The cheeky Chinese leader then appears to suppress a giggle, and after hesitating for a few moments, he grabs the phone.

A series of bizarre status updates then appeared on Obama’s Facebook page, including:

“David Cameron has the most supple white buttocks I have ever had the pleasure of massaging.”

“If the Israelis think we’ll help them if they strike Iran, my big black dick must’ve ruptured Netanyahu’s brain.

“Silly Republicans. I’m not a Muslim, I’m a Chinese spy!”

China has often been accused of state-sponsored cyber crime and industrial espionage against US firms, but yesterday’s incident represents a serious escalation.

Faced with questions on whether or not the US will retaliate in some way, President Obama said “No, we’re cool. Hu promised he would never do it again…Oh wait did he just leave his laptop alone? Haha oh man I know so many tiny Asian dick jokes!”

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By Hymen Grech

European economists have discovered that the euro is in fact a bipolar teenage girl, after stumbling across a secret diary belonging to the troubled currency in an office at the European Central Bank headquarters in Frankfurt.

The contents of the diary, the cover of which is adorned with a picture of Justin Bieber, shed some light on the violent mood swings the euro has been suffering over the past two years.

The majority of Euro’s posts deal with her constant feeling of rejection. “I’m tired of being a single currency. No one wants to be my boyfriend ” she states in the first page.

Psychologists believe that this sense of loneliness, coupled with the revelation that she was adopted in 2002, have led Euro to develop a bipolar disorder, characterised by feelings of elation one minute, and the threat of complete financial meltdown the next.

The diary also contains Euro’s sexual fantasies; she regularly mentions how she would like to give “fiscal stimulus” to various “hot” Mediterranean countries. “Italy and Spain are such bad boys,” she writes.

The past months have seen Euro’s mood swings become increasingly volatile, with her gradual mental breakdown appearing to have exasperated even her closest high school friends.

“Dollar has been really mean to me lately. Today he told me to ‘get a fucking grip’,” Euro says, “then I flipped and told that snobby bitch Sterling to keep her nose out of my business.”

Euro’s sanity appears to have reached a tipping point over the last few days, with an endless emotional rollercoaster of hope for recovery followed by yet more uncertainty taking their toll. Her last post states:

“Phew, Me-zone approved bailout for Greece. Feeling really good today. Life is beautiful and the future looks bright. Off to watch TV…

…What?!?! Greece is having a referendum?? Don’t they want me anymore?? I don’t know if I can go on living. I feel worthless “

The discovery of the diary prompted Greek prime minister George Papandreou to cancel the planned referendum.

“We understand this was a cry for help,” Papandreou said. “We promise the Euro that everything will be alright from now on.  Our plan to base our entire economy on feta cheese and Molotov cocktails will surely see us through.”

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By Stu Bondàge

An autopsy carried out earlier today on the corpse of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi has confirmed rumours that the deceased Libyan dictator was in fact a Maltese nanna.

Dr Abdel bin Tahwid, the doctor who performed the autopsy, said features on Gaddafi’s body corresponded with those normally found on Maltese grandmothers, although he was reluctant to elabroate further than “I’ve never seen them swing that low before.”

The autopsy provides physical evidence that ties in with surprising discoveries made in Gaddafi’s compounds and military complexes in Tripoli and Sirte. These include vast stocks of mustard gas, assault rifles, Diet Kinnie and Loaker chocolate wafers, all of which were allegedly handed out to grandchildren at family get-togethers every Sunday.

Testimony from former employees also corroborates the findings. One ex-bodyguard claimed Gaddafi would insist on being called Nanna Gaddy, while a former cook said he loved to eat minestra every day of the week while listening to the rosary on RTK.

Various cousins have also told of how Gaddafi would often say that he thought Peppi Azzopardi was a “profoundly sexy man.”

Another relative described how Gaddafi once ordered a grandson who had gone into his salott to be beaten with a belt covered in barbed wire and glass.

In the immediate aftermath of the storming of Gaddafi’s Tripoli compound two months ago, Libyan rebels also came across a golden tombla ball, as well as a karta anzjana.

It also explains why various world leaders attending United Nations and African Union summits would often comment about how Gaddafi used to stink of mothballs.

Ordinary Libyans who travelled to Misrata to pay 100 dinar to see Gaddafi’s corpse and sign the book of Good Riddance said they were not surprised by the revelation.

“Looking back, those long, incoherent ramblings about drugs in Nescafe totally sounded like the Maltese grandmothers we often used to hear about in folk tales,” said Tarek al Meqrud.

The discovery may finally solve the mystery of Cetta Sciberras, a mother of eight from Zabbar who disappeared without a trace on August 30, 1969, a day before the revolution that brought Nanna Gaddy to power. In subsequent interviews on Xarabank, relatives of Mrs Sciberras claimed that she would inexplicably spend long hours talking about pan-Arab socialism, and pined for designer sunglasses.

Meanwhile, there is disagreement among the rebels over how Nanna Gaddy should be buried. On one hand, there are those who insist he should be buried according to Muslim practice. Others, however, believe he should be buried the Maltese way: sealed in a concrete hole for a few years before being dug up again, his remains transferred to a Tupperware container, and finally thrown down a well.

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The country of Iceland will be wiped off the face of the planet tomorrow after the EU declared it “a massive pain in Europe’s arse”.

As the latest ash cloud from the Grimsvoetn volcano continues to disrupt air travel across the region, European leaders appear to have had enough, and have decided to launch their entire arsenal of nuclear warheads at the largely pointless northern European island.

The country has not had much luck since its economy collapsed in 2008, but it now looks like it will finally be put out of its misery.

Speaking to Bis-Serjeta’ at an extraordinary NATO summit, secretary general Anders Fogh Rasmussen said:

“We got together and divided a flip-chart into two halves: one half listing Iceland’s positive points, and the other with its negative points. Just like we did when we were deciding whether or not to intervene in Libya.”

Bis-Serjeta’ can reveal that the chart ended up looking something like this:

Bad things : Financial instability, volcanic eruptions, ridiculously spelled place names, fishy smell, no oil.

Good things: Puffins ^_^ <3

Icelanders have been given just 24 hours to leave the island, but will be hampered by the fact the they won’t be able to fly out of the country, as Rasmussen giddily pointed out while trying to suppress a giggling fit.

In a desperate bid to get around the problem, several locals have resorted to building longboats. Others have been seen climbing cliff faces in an attempt to capture as many puffins as they can, in order to tie them together and attach them to wicker baskets with string.

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A group of puffins before being captured

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The spirit of assassinated Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has taken a break from his 72 virgins to let the world know that the stash of pornography found on his computer and underneath his bed did not belong to him.

The stash was discovered on Bin Laden’s computer by CIA operatives while they were searching for vital clues on where Al Qaeda may strike next. The videos were found in the folder directory ‘C > Stuff > System files > Boring docs >Osama Like It Hot, and consisted of titles such as 1001 Lesbian Nights, Allah Hu L-Akbar Imma Tiegħek Ferm Akbar, Bangin’ Bhurkas, and Al Jizzeera.

But in a grainy video message delivered to the media from a cave in Paradise, a white-faced Bin Laden strenuously denies that the videos, as well as Playboy magazines found under his bed, were actually his. “I wish to refute allegations that I was in possession of Western filth which was found in my hiding place. I was merely holding onto them for a non-Muslim friend while he had his PC formatted, and while his mum cleaned his bedroom”, he says in Arabic. “My time in Abbottabad was entirely divided between quiet meditation and the planning of mass slaughter”, he continues.

The find has raised even further questions about what exactly Bin Laden was doing when US Navy Seals stormed his compound. Bin Laden is alleged to have told his executioners, “If you’re going to take my computer you may as well put a bullet in my head. I make my wife wear that veil for a reason.”

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Bin Laden pretending to watch Sky News as his wife enters the room

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