Disney buys rights to the Bible
By Karl Stennienibarra
The Walt Disney Company has announced that it has bought the Holy Bible from Christianity.
Christianity, represented by the Catholic Church, “being the right version, obviously,” in the words of the Pope, sold the rights for a reported sum of 4 billion Hail Mary’s, three Raphaels and a Da Vinci.
Disney also announced plans to add a Newer New Testament to the existing sacred texts, to be released in 2014.
“This deal makes perfect sense,” Disney Co. chairman and CEO Bob Iger said. “Both Disney and the Church are multinational, family-oriented institutions whose most well-known works are based on fairy tales.”
Pope Benedict was equally enthusiastic about the deal: “I am delighted. The Church is often accused of being behind the times. What better way to rid ourselves of our stuffy conservative image than to put our sacred texts in the hands of the people who gave the world Mickey Mouse?
“This also means I can finally get a record deal for my Gregorian chant/dubstep album.”
Followers of Christianity have expressed their concerns over the deal, but Iger sought to reassure believers that there would be no major changes to existing material.
“…Unless of course we happen to find some previously undiscovered document on the grounds of Disneyland Paris which shows that the son of God was in fact a lion cub who was thought to have died but then came back to save the day from his evil uncle with the help of a meerkat and a warthog,” Iger added.
Iger did however say that the language of the Bible would be updated to reflect 21st century ways of speaking.
For instance, ‘and lo…’ will be replaced with ‘and lol…’, as in:
“And, lol, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them.”
Christians are also highly apprehensive about the planned new instalment of the Bible, or the Newer New Testament (NNT) as it is being called, having previously assumed that the New Testament was the last in the series.
“What exactly happens after the Book of Revelation? Satan and all of the wicked souls have been cast into the lake of fire and a new heaven has been established. Now I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but what if Satan wasn’t actually destroyed? What if he comes back, meaner than ever, and Christ has to come out of retirement to deal with him again, aided by a hot large-breasted sidekick and an array of celestial weaponry? I mean that’s sort of the plot of Constantine, so it probably won’t be that, but you get the idea.”
Speculation is rife about who will write the NNT, but reports suggest that there will be four gospels, namely the gospels according to J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, Stephanie Meyer and E.L. James, authors of Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code, Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey respectively.
If the Newer New Testament is a commercial success, there are plans to turn it into a movie, with Michael Bay directing and Justin Bieber starring as Jesus (Biebus) Christ, as well as providing the soundtrack.
The deal also opens the possibility of even more collaborations in the future. Various new religious orders could be established, such as the Sisters of Minnie, the Donaldine monks, and the Order of St. Goofy.
Furthermore, Disney is keen to add to its 14 licensed theme parks, and the Pope is hopeful that Vatican City, or ‘Jesus Land’, will be number 15.
“I know a lot of people would be thrilled by the idea of millions of children running around the corridors of the Vatican,” His Holiness said.