Maltese athlete wins gold in race to Primark
By Karl Stennienibarra in London -
A Maltese athlete has won the country’s first ever Olympic gold medal, coming first in a race to well-known budget clothes shop Primark.
The event, introduced for the first time at London 2012, took place in Oxford Street, and involves running to the shop just as the sales start.
Once in the shop, competitors must navigate an obstacle course consisting of piles of clothes on the floor, rabid co-shoppers and finally underpaid cashiers with no more will to live. The winner is the athlete who can pick up as many different items as possible with £10 spending money.
Malta’s Janet Pace won the race, withstanding stiff competition from the home nation, France and Japan, to claim the gold medal, as well as an evening dress, skinny jeans, a vest top, a pair of pumps, a necklace and two sets of lingerie.
“I’m over the moon, and so proud to win Malta’s first ever medal, let alone gold!
“It was very close at first, but then Haruki Watabagin stumbled over a pile of jeans in the men’s section, and the local girl Hannah Sillydeal lost a lot of time arguing over an item costing £2 that was marked 75% off, but was actually only 70% off when she got to the till.
“I’d like to dedicate this medal to all the Maltese who come to London for the sole purpose of visiting Primark.”
Ms Pace says she spent a lot of time training back in Malta, waking up at 6.30 every morning to be the first in the queue at LIDL.
“Would anyone like to buy a barbeque?” she said to fellow competitors.
According to Ms Pace, the race is as much about timing as it is about athleticism.
“You have to be in front of the door as early as possible. Of course, every single shopper has this strategy, so I shout “OH NO IT’S AL QAEDA!” to create a bit of space for myself at the front.
The issue of doping is taken very seriously in the games, and Olympic shopping is no exception.
“Before the race they tested us for illegal coupons,” Pace said.
The young athlete says she hopes that future Olympic games will include more sports that the Maltese excel at.
“I feel we’d be in with a chance of winning more medals if in the future sports such as shooting protected birds, backstabbing and casual racism are introduced.”