Maltese company wins award for treating customers like shit

By Karl Stennienibarra

A Maltese company has won a prestigious international award for treating its customers like shit and getting away with it.

The award was won by Golita, a small, mostly-unknown internet service provider and telecommunications company with a customer base of just 100 gullible halfwits. However, despite its small size, the company has won industry-wide plaudits for providing the poorest possible service at a premium price.

Golita, whose slogan is ‘Your money, now!’, faced stiff competition from other Maltese companies as well as foreign ones, but was ultimately chosen as the winner thanks to its substandard product, non-existent customer care and exorbitant prices.

“We are deeply committed to milking our customers dry and ripping them off at every turn,” said company CEO Michael Bonello.

At Golita, we tell our telephone helpline staff to sit back, relax and browse Facebook for at least 10 minutes before answering a call that comes in. And when they do answer, they’re trained to be as unhelpful as possible but in a way that makes the customer feel like it’s their fault their crappy internet connection isn’t working.”

Among the customer service team’s highly-scripted replies are “Have you checked that you actually own a computer?’, “You’re too old to use the internet” and “It’s your fault for downloading so much porn you sick pervert.”

“Golita actually pioneered the idea of incessantly phoning people several times a week asking them if they were interested in our shitty new products. We phone people every day at 4am and yell at them, but now our idea has been copied and watered down by another well-known company, who only phone people three times a week. Pathetic!” Mr Bonello said.

The company was also recognised for its creativity in harassing people in Valletta.

“We’re surprised no one else thought of hitting people over the head with a shovel, and then asking them which mobile company they used. Otherwise they’ll just tell you they’re in a hurry.”

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