Immigrants blamed for slow wi-fi connection
By Karl Stennienibarra
A man who is “not racist at all” is blaming illegal immigrants for his painfully slow wireless internet connection, accusing them of stealing his internet.
“They come here, hang around outside and use our wi-fi to access the internet, our Maltese internet, from their iPhones that the government gives them for free,” complained Naxxar resident Joseph Fenech.
“How am I supposed to post incisive, intelligent comments like “If you don’t like being beaten to DEATH then GO BACK HOME!!!!!!!” on timesofmalta.com if I only have two full bars instead of the usual five?
“I’ve tried putting a password on the connection but I suspect they’re using some black voodoo magic to get around it. It’s abc123, which they’d never guess because it’s not like Africans can spell or count.”
Mr Fenech suspects that the immigrants use the internet solely for economic gain.
“Escaping from war and famine? Pah! I bet they just go on Farmville and send Maltese pigs and sheep to their friends in Ugandabugabugazania or wherever they’re from.
“This is a slow, silent invasion and soon there will be enough of them to break my high score on Fruit Ninja.”
Despite his complaints Mr Fenech insists he is not racist.
“I don’t mind them coming here as long as they don’t take our jobs and use our internet, our infrastructure, our taxes, our food, our water or our air.”