Match preview: Boring England vs. Idealess Italy
By Karl Stennienibarra
England and Italy will this evening go head to head in the last EURO 2012 quarter final match to earn the privilege of being torn apart by Germany in the next round.
The game promises to be a celebration of dull defensive football which will in all likelihood end goalless.
The Three Lions came into the tournament without the usual tabloid-created hype, which counter-intuitively tricked more sensible fans into thinking England could actually go all the way this time.
The English team was also hit by a series of injuries. Before the tournament witnesses say that they saw a large Platini-shaped god in the sky throwing lightning bolts onto England’s training grounds.
The Azzurri’s preparations were hampered by police sticking their noses where they weren’t wanted. The latest match-fixing allegations caused the word ‘scandal’ to be removed from the Italian dictionary, since this word has come to describe a state of normality in Italian life.
England’s tactics will revolve around getting the ball to Wayne Rooney and ignoring everyone else, and should he play, pissing off Mario Balotelli until he gets sent off.
Italy, on the other hand, will be hoping to earn as many corners and free kicks as possible, since scoring from open play is not a tactic favoured by coach Cesare Prandelli.
Meanwhile in Malta, local fans of both teams will be descending on Spinola and elsewhere to be part of the biggest public nuisance in decades.
With England fans singing horribly off-key renditions of Football’s Coming Home with painfully fake Cockney accents, and Italy supporters suddenly finding another native language, the evening promises to be a celebration of two nations who bombed and colonised the country respectively.