Top Quotes from 2011

The following are some of the most notable quotes by politicians, celebrities, deceased jihadists, farm animals, royalty both contemporary and Biblical, troubled currencies, and ordinary citizines during  the past year:

“Dear Willie and Peasant Kate

“We do bestow to you on your wedding day the fair island of Malta, one among our most treasured possessions in our most glorious Empire, to do with as you please. We do hope that it will give you as much joy as it has given Philip and Ourselves. We and Grandad had many a steamy night on the beaches, and in the fields, and in the streets, and with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. You get our royal drift.

“Lots of love,

Nana Lizzie xxx”

- The letter in which Queen Elizabeth II of Britain accidentally gifted Malta to Prince William and Kate Middleton after believing it was still one of Britain’s colonies.

“He just doesn’t charge headlong into roundabouts with the same gusto any more…He used to like it when I played techno and 80s music , but now all he wants to listen to is My Chemical Romance and Morrissey.”

- Bus driver Twanny Borg speaking about his depressed, soon-to-be-scrapped old Maltese bus.

 “I wish to refute allegations that I was in possession of Western filth which was found in my hiding place. I was merely holding onto them for a non-Muslim friend while he had his PC formatted, and while his mum cleaned his bedroom.”

- The ghost of Osama Bin Laden denying that he possessed pornography.

“You giornalisti think you’re so clever…Well let me tell you, Tarcisio Zobbi will not stand for this!”

- Italian politician Tarcisio Zobbi expressing his anger towards journalists who were laughing uncontrollably.

 

“I don’t particularly relish the idea of my dad living with me. Whenever I used to host parties back home in Malta he always used to turn up in an all-white suit and dance the Macarena.”

- The daughter of Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando, who was not too keen on the prospect of her father moving into her home in England in order to secure a divorce

 

“We have had a few cases of Gozitan farmers dressing up as sheep to try and trick us into having sex with them, but who are we to judge people who cross-species-dress? The reverse is also the case. Several of your members of parliament are sheep disguised as humans. You also have a pig and a horse in government. We’re surprised you’ve never noticed.”

- Marija Bajada, vice-chairsheep of Beqeqeqeqe Għad-Divorzju, an indifferent divorce pressure group for sheep.

 

“Who knew that all this time the key to universal education was not to encourage young people to have a lifelong thirst for knowledge and debate, but instead to encourage them to endlessly read unresearched opinion articles and watch debates on Xarabank and Bondi+ while listening to RTK? Tomorrow, I’m piloting a rocket to the moon”

- Education Minister Dolores Cristina, reacting to the news that the divorce debate had made everyone an expert in everything.

 

“This is 1551 all over again”

- Minister for Gozo Giovanna Debono, comparing the introduction of divorce with the Ottoman invasion of Gozo.

 

“I always thought it was dangerous having such pointy eyebrows situated so close to such a volatile head”

- Mosta resident Victoria Murtadella on the eruption of Emmy Bezzina’s head.

 

“While expressing my sincerest condolences to Star, I would also like to take this opportunity to publicly refute the idea that the drive-by was one big hoax.  It’s merely a coincidence that we’re releasing a greatest hits album next week.”

- Steven Seqer, the agent of Star the Dog, speaking about allegations that the canine sensation faked her own death.

 

“They like to climb on his back and pretend that he’s Dumbo, and he likes to prance around pretending he’s Lady Gaga. It’s really cute”

- Angelina Jolie speaking about her newly adopted child, Clinton Paul.

 

“You think I’m here lapping up rays? Well, I’ll have you know I’m doing research, observing different types of mental disorders found in seaweed. This piece here I suspect suffers from manic depression. Look how droopy it is.”

University lecturer Professor Charles Chircop-Fiswa, explaining why it was taking him so long to release exam results.

 

“In this way, the ball will be able to travel to places it never could go before.”

- Newly appointed Malta football coach Austin Gatt describing his philosophy.

 

“I’m tired of being a single currency. No one wants to be my boyfriend  ”

The Euro, writing in her secret diary, before it was discovered that the currency was a teenage girl.

 ”I don’t make programs for chimpanzees. I make them for normal Maltese people, who according to our own studies love the status quo,  find thinking to be boring, and really love bananas.”

- Xarabank host Peppi Azzopardi reacting to the results of a study involving chimpanzees, that showed watching Xarabank makes a view 70 per cent more stupid.

 

“They locked us in a room for 6 hours, interrogating us about nuclear facilities. They even cavity searched Balthasar, but all they found was 300 grams of frankincense. That’s one suprise spoiled.”

Wise Man Balthasar speaking about the Three Wise Men’s ordeal at the hands of Israeli airport security.

 

“Sometimes, when my wife is out, I like to hang from a wire attached to the ceiling, singing “Flyin’ through the danger zoooone!’ wearing only shirt and a pair of underpants, while pretending to be the world’s greatest motivational speaker…with a disfigured face.”

President George Abela on his love for Tom Cruise films.