Gaddafi was Maltese nanna, autopsy proves

By Stu Bondàge

An autopsy carried out earlier today on the corpse of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi has confirmed rumours that the deceased Libyan dictator was in fact a Maltese nanna.

Dr Abdel bin Tahwid, the doctor who performed the autopsy, said features on Gaddafi’s body corresponded with those normally found on Maltese grandmothers, although he was reluctant to elabroate further than “I’ve never seen them swing that low before.”

The autopsy provides physical evidence that ties in with surprising discoveries made in Gaddafi’s compounds and military complexes in Tripoli and Sirte. These include vast stocks of mustard gas, assault rifles, Diet Kinnie and Loaker chocolate wafers, all of which were allegedly handed out to grandchildren at family get-togethers every Sunday.

Testimony from former employees also corroborates the findings. One ex-bodyguard claimed Gaddafi would insist on being called Nanna Gaddy, while a former cook said he loved to eat minestra every day of the week while listening to the rosary on RTK.

Various cousins have also told of how Gaddafi would often say that he thought Peppi Azzopardi was a “profoundly sexy man.”

Another relative described how Gaddafi once ordered a grandson who had gone into his salott to be beaten with a belt covered in barbed wire and glass.

In the immediate aftermath of the storming of Gaddafi’s Tripoli compound two months ago, Libyan rebels also came across a golden tombla ball, as well as a karta anzjana.

It also explains why various world leaders attending United Nations and African Union summits would often comment about how Gaddafi used to stink of mothballs.

Ordinary Libyans who travelled to Misrata to pay 100 dinar to see Gaddafi’s corpse and sign the book of Good Riddance said they were not surprised by the revelation.

“Looking back, those long, incoherent ramblings about drugs in Nescafe totally sounded like the Maltese grandmothers we often used to hear about in folk tales,” said Tarek al Meqrud.

The discovery may finally solve the mystery of Cetta Sciberras, a mother of eight from Zabbar who disappeared without a trace on August 30, 1969, a day before the revolution that brought Nanna Gaddy to power. In subsequent interviews on Xarabank, relatives of Mrs Sciberras claimed that she would inexplicably spend long hours talking about pan-Arab socialism, and pined for designer sunglasses.

Meanwhile, there is disagreement among the rebels over how Nanna Gaddy should be buried. On one hand, there are those who insist he should be buried according to Muslim practice. Others, however, believe he should be buried the Maltese way: sealed in a concrete hole for a few years before being dug up again, his remains transferred to a Tupperware container, and finally thrown down a well.

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