Star’s manager denies she faked her own death
By Karl Stennienibarra
The manager of Star the dog has denied allegations that the canine singer faked her own death and escaped to Barbados after growing tired of her overzealous fans.
It has now been two days since Star succumbed to her wounds a week after being gunned down in an apparent drive-by shooting by gang members loyal to Snoop Dogg, who suspected that she might replace him at the Isle Of MTV concert. Despite an entire nation being in mourning, conspiracy theories have already started to surface.
A tourist is said to have spotted a dog bearing a striking resemblance to Star, except for a pair of glasses, a big nose, and a moustache, boarding an Air Malta flight to New York.
Star’s manager, Steven Seqer, said the rumours were deeply offensive to the spirit of Star. “While expressing my sincerest condolences to Star, I would also like to take this opportunity to publicly refute the idea that the drive-by was one big hoax. It’s merely a coincidence that we’re releasing a greatest hits album next week.”
Star, real name Muċċa, shot to fame last month when her cover version of Elvis Presley’s Hound Dog won this year’s edition of Maltese Animals Got Talent, beating off stiff competition from Bertu the Breakdancing Budgie.
In public, Star was nothing but gracious to her legions of fans, pawing autographs and wagging her tail in the trademark star-shaped fashion that gave her her name. But close friends say that behind the closed doors of her kennel-mansion she was exasperated by their over-enthusiasm. She is said to have repeatedly complained that “These fans are more dogged than I am!”
If the rumours are true, then the last straw may have been when an unknown paparazzo photographed her while she was licking her private parts, and then circulated the pictures on Twitter. After the incident all of her fans set these images as their profile pictures on Facebook, as a sign of solidarity. Star attempted to force the social networking site to hand over details of all the users who had shared the pictures, but was ultimately unsuccessful.
Speculation was fuelled even further yesterday when someone by the name of Starlina Borg posted the following comment on the Facebook page RIP Star: The Dog Who Lived: “WOOF! WOOF! Oops, er…I mean, is it just me who sees a tiny contradiction in the name of this page?”
Meanwhile, longterm fans have expressed their anger over the aftermath of Star’s death. “We’ve been listening to her and supporting her since way before Got Talent. These new fans only care about Star and her music because she’s dead”, said one fan.
Indeed, sales of her last album, provocatively titled The God Who Lived, have reached sextuple platinum.
Plans to give Star a state funeral at St. John’s Cathedral are reported to be well underway.