Gozo to remain divorce free
Gozitans can breath a sigh of relief today after the Yes Movement decided to offer Malta’s sister island to the anti-divorce movement as a consolation prize.
Over 70% of Gozitans voters voted against the introduction of divorce, after they studied the proposals extremely carefully and came to the very informed conclusion that divorce was not for them.
“They put in such hard work, so it would be a shame for them to go away with nothing”, ‘Iva’ chairperson Deborah Schembri said of her opponents. “Giving them Gozo is the least we could do…quite literally”, she continued.
The deal means that Gozo will become semi-autonomous, with its own parliament and laws, with the most important law being that spouses will not be allowed to divorce or even separate. Annulments will be provided if one of the spouses can prove that the other “has engaged in flirtatious eye contact with a member of the non-human population.”
It is believed Eddie Fenech Adami will be president of the island, with Tonio Fenech minister for Marian Communications, and Austin Gatt Minister of Dirty Looks, Unkept Promises, and Ġbejna Infrastructure. Bishop Mario Grech will retain his role as Chief Inquisitor, but will be given more EU funds for racks, thumb screws and iron maidens.
Before the announcement was made, hundreds of terrified Gozitans had been seeking shelter behind the walls of the Cittadella, as they waited for divorce to arrive on their shores. “This is 1551 all over again”, said Minister for Gozo Giovanna Debono, wearing a pan on her head for protection, referring to the Ottoman invasion of the island when the Turks enslaved the entire male population of Gozo, most of whom were priests.
However, as the inhabitants learned that the island would be spared, they broke out into traditional Gozitan celebration, getting drunk, having a good moan about the Maltese, throwing seaweed at each other, and finally beheading several chickens and large fish.
One of the consequences of the deal is that Gozitans will only be able to marry other Gozitans, but many people don’t seem to mind. “That isn’t a problem. That’s what we’ve been doing for the past 500 years,” said Victoria mayor Cikku Bajada.